I do PR for an animal shelter, and this morning, instead of going on live TV to feature a pet in my usual Wednesday-morning routine, I got to clean up a rather excessive amount of orange diarrhea - produced in the carpeted lobby of our administration area, no less, and by a dog I don't even own.
(Incidentally, isn't it odd how picking up one's own pet's poo is less gross than picking up someone else's dog's? It's all dogshit, after all. Maybe it's because we know we like our dogs.)
Anyway, now I can't wash my hands enough. In fact, I may have to go wash them again, and find a sterilizing wipe for my keyboard, because that shit was just nasty, and our cheap-ass paper towels were not what I'd call sufficient for the job. *Sideshow Bob shudder*
Frankly, I'm tempted to blame the day, because this morning while getting ready for work, I also got to clean up some puke from one of my cats. (Oh boy!) My current theory is that this is all Tax Day's fault and the animals are trying to tell us something.
It's like before an earthquake or other natural disaster; they can sense a huge mountain of bullshit dressed up in something called "The IRS" rumbling towards the hapless citizens of our fair country. If only our pets spoke English, we would never be screwed over again.
Mugrosa: "Mew!" (Translation: Your income taxes are going to make you puke!)
Me: "Aw, do you want some more food, sweetie?"
Mugrosa: "Mrow!" (Translation: Well, duh. I'm a cat, dumbass.)
(Left: Mugrosa, the Psychic Tax Cat, also plays Simpsons Clue.)
Okay, I take that back. We would never be surprised about getting screwed over again. Obviously, the animals can't prevent the actual screwing over of us. If they could, we would have no need for animal shelters, because people would actually take care of their pets. Wouldn't that be nice? Quite.
Anyway, personally, I think instead of income tax, they should just charge a little more sales tax on everything. That way if you spend more, you get taxed more. Of course, it would end up screwing over people like me, who are too dumb to stop spending money when they don't have any, but it would reward people that are actually fiscally responsible. I don't know many of those people, but I'm sure they're very nice. And we could all use more rewards in our lives, right? Right.
So don't mind me, I'll just be over here solving more hugely complex national problems with incredibly simplistic answers. Can I get a tax credit for providing this invaluable service?
Okay, I take that back. We would never be surprised about getting screwed over again. Obviously, the animals can't prevent the actual screwing over of us. If they could, we would have no need for animal shelters, because people would actually take care of their pets. Wouldn't that be nice? Quite.
Anyway, personally, I think instead of income tax, they should just charge a little more sales tax on everything. That way if you spend more, you get taxed more. Of course, it would end up screwing over people like me, who are too dumb to stop spending money when they don't have any, but it would reward people that are actually fiscally responsible. I don't know many of those people, but I'm sure they're very nice. And we could all use more rewards in our lives, right? Right.
So don't mind me, I'll just be over here solving more hugely complex national problems with incredibly simplistic answers. Can I get a tax credit for providing this invaluable service?
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