Adventures in Purse-Diving: Behold the Female MacGyver!

I'm one of those people that practically lives out of my purse, which is huge whether huge purses are in fashion or not. It allows me to carry all sorts of useful things about; as a writer, I always have a journal, at least one pen, at least one copy of the magazine 'Poetry' and at least one book. Then you have all the assorted crap that I manage to attract like some sort of bizarre magnet.

For example, last night I was at a networking event, having a smoke outside with a friend. A smallish, fluffy, black and white dog comes trotting over from the parking lot, totally unattended. He says hi to us and starts to walk up the road, towards one of the busiest streets downtown. I work for a humane society, but I'd like to think anyone would've done what I did: call the dog back and get hold of its collar. Then I started digging in my bag.

"What are you looking for?" my friend asked.

"A leash, I always have one in here," I muttered, trying to dig through all the random shit in there one-handed.

"You have a leash in your purse?"

"Well, yeah, I work for the Humane Society, you never know when you'll need one. Dammit!" I get frustrated with looking for the leash, grab a nylon rope I also happen to have in my bag, and start tying it to the dog's collar.

"What's that?" asked my friend.

"Just some nylon rope, from camping last weekend," I answered.

"You have nylon rope in your purse?"

I looked up at her. "I hope you realize, I AM the female MacGyver." (Side note: this could be why my husband married me. He has every single MacGyver episode memorized, and can tell you which one it is within three seconds or less of watching it. But let's not explore that now.) "In fact, if MacGyver had had a purse, he would've been ten times more badass," I proclaimed.

It reminded me vividly of the time I was trying to find something in my purse and eventually shut the door to my office so I could dump the entire contents out on my desk. I sent my best friend an email listing everything, just because it was so remarkably eclectic. She wrote back that she was crying with laughter.

And so, gentle reader, it is time for another adventure in purse-diving. I'm just going to list things as I pull them out, no particular order. ("Order" is not a word one could apply easily to my purse.) Enjoy the window into my weird & random life. :)

- Set of keys #1 (cars & hubby's office, with bottle opener)
- today's paystub
- 2 pens (a Sharpie & a Pilot - cannot live without Pilot pens!)
- empty pouch of rolling tobacco
- reimbursement check from 3 weeks ago that I still haven't deposited - d'oh!
- 5' length of nylon rope
- deck of cards
- Set of keys #2 (house, with small squishy monkey)
- teriyaki-flavored seaweed snacks
- another (inferior) pen (for desperate times only)
- smallish jar of comfrey salve
- empty pack of rolling papers, related to aforementioned empty tobacco pouch
- Burt's Bees lip shimmer
- box o' matches
- eyeglasses repair kit, despite the fact that my glasses have been broken beyond my repair for months & I've been wearing contacts
- more seaweed snacks? really? huh.
- unshelled, roasted & salted peanut. just one.
- tiny hair clip I will never use
- wooden golf tee
- ponytail holder
- the other tiny hair clip, which I will also never use
- half-full pack of American Spirit blues
- the damn leash I couldn't find last night
- lots more nylon rope, one end of which has somehow gotten wrapped around the wrist of one of my winter gloves (MacGyver would already have a plan for how to use this. I felt like I'd caught a fish when I pulled it out of my purse.)
- the other glove
- note to self: "Get Howl-oween shit together!" (Howl-oween's an event we're planning for October, for the animal rescue for which I volunteer, http://www.safeplacepets.org/.)
- random crumpled artwork made by my friend's pre-school Montessori students
- another empty pouch of rolling tobacco. I've gotta quit smoking. Again.
- ooh, batteries! score! pack of 4 AAs.
- crumpled ball of tinfoil. no idea why. could be used to reflect the sun and temporarily blind one's enemy, allowing one to sneak inside the compound and rescue whoever needed rescuing, though.
- liability waiver from our visit to the wolf sanctuary
- another ponytail holder
- phone memory card adapter
- champagne cork
- medicine bag with wolf fur & a few fetishes
- pack of rolling papers that actually hasn't run out. sweet.
- excerpt of a poem by Seamus Heaney
- program from the volunteer appreciation brunch we had a few weeks ago
- May 2009 issue of 'Poetry'
- Portishead CD (Dummy)
- paystub from two weeks ago
- 25' measuring tape
- journal #1
- coaster with a couple friends' birthdates & places, for casting astrology charts at some undetermined point in the future
- spare tampon
- hey, there are my other keys! set #3: house, with another bottle opener
- tiny jar of largely innocuous plantlife
- more keys (for one of the work vehicles)
- another wooden golf tee? weird.
- wallet
- checkbook
- tons of receipts
- unidentifiable CD scratched all to hell
- journal #2
- The Celtic Fiddle Festival CD
- address book
- Buddy Guy CD (Sweet Tea)
- ticket stub from Slumdog Millionaire <3
- tracking sheet from a game of Simpsons Clue that I am fairly sure took place in late January.
- notepad & pen
- camera
- business cards
- envelope with a lock of my daughter's hair
- button for The Tank, my friend's awesome experimental art & music space in Manhattan (check it out, New Yorkers!)

P.S. Yes, we located the dog's owner. No, they didn't seem even remotely concerned that their dog had been wandering around downtown at rush hour.
P.P.S. I'm tempted to go back and find the list I made a few months ago, just for comparison's sake, but this post is already really long.